Acceptance: An integral component of health and well-being.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”

-Carl Rogers

We hear a lot about acceptance. The popular serenity prayer rings in the ears of many in the Western world. “God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Sounds like there is some wisdom in this prayer, doesn’t it? But, what really is this acceptance they speak of, and how do we do this?

Acceptance is an integral part of most spiritual & religious paths, and is a consistent theme in the eastern spiritual traditions. This article is an attempt to introduce the idea and teachings of acceptance from a Buddhist and psychological perspective. A lot of this article is rooted in the work of contemporary spiritual teacher and psychologist Tara Brach. For those looking to deepen their understanding of acceptance, her book "Radical Acceptance"is an excellent resource.

As a human, a key orientation we take towards ourselves and to life itself is that something is wrong, something needs to change. Most times we are in opposition to some part of our experience. We want it to be hotter, colder, more sunny, less sunny. We want to feel less sadness and more joy. We want to feel more love and less hate. This stream of thoughts goes on and on and on.

I want to be clear that we are not trying to make these thoughts go away or stop the desires and motivations for an improved quality of life. Acceptance is not resignation.

What we want to accept is the moment by moment experience of being alive. I am not speaking of being a push over or allowing negative things to happen to you or those around you. I am talking about accepting the raw truth of the present moment, every single aspect of it. When we reject any aspect of our experience - we suffer. Only when we can fully embrace all aspects of this life can we find peace. Peace does not mean a lack of pain. In fact, feeling pain as a human is as unavoidable as being wet when we are in water. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. When we are in opposition to our pain in any way – this is when we suffer. But let’s be realistic here, there is no way to constantly accept and be okay with all of our pain. We are human. Pain is uncomfortable. It is natural to want to avoid it. Like anything else in life, in psychology, or on the spiritual path, we are setting an intention to move towards something – to accept our experience more. It is not a black and white one-or-the-other kind of thing. It is a constant practice.

But what exactly do I mean by acceptance?

Acceptance is an acknowledgment of the truth of the present moment. It is an embrace of our emotions, our sensations, our thoughts. It is a surrender into the flow of life. A surrender into the totality of our experience. A surrender into what is. It’s saying yes to our experience instead of saying no.

Using a simple example can start to paint a clearer picture of what this might look like.

We step outside on a hot and humid day. It's 7:00 in the morning and we already feel sticky- a bead of sweat falls down our face. We think, “Jeeze it’s so uncomfortable out here. I hate this heat. It’s going to be a miserable day. Can’t this day just be over already!” We try and avoid this uncomfortable feeling by distracting ourselves with something. We feel frustrated and angry. We turn away from the raw experience of not being comfortable.

Can you feel the energy of this orientation? We are already suffering and we just walked out the door.

Now let’s look at another orientation. The heat and humidity are the same. We walk out the door and think, “Wow it's hot out here, I feel sticky and uncomfortable, this is going to make my day more difficult.” We take a deep breath, acknowledge the sensations in our body. We do not try to run away from them or curse them. We surrender to the fact that it is hot out and we are uncomfortable. We accept the reality of the situation and our experience. We embrace and surrender into our emotions and physical sensations.

Do you feel the energy of that? Isn’t it quite different?

Another example:

We have a flare up of anxiety at work. Our chest is tight, heart beating, breath shallow. We think, “I hate this anxiety, I can’t stand feeling this way. Why does this have to happen to me? I can’t catch a break. I need to change this!” While we think this, our body is tense and our experience constricted. We are bracing ourselves against the anxiety - and against life.

If we were to have more acceptance we might instead think, “There is a lot of anxiety here right now. Wow this is really uncomfortable.” We acknowledge the truth of the anxiety and we surrender into the feelings. We take a breath and soften into our body, into these sensations. We are fully in our experience, despite the uncomfortable feelings.

Again – acceptance is not resignation. There are things that we can do to try and decrease the anxiety and increase our comfort. Out of the acceptance and embrace of the situation will come a natural movement towards change. The inherent wisdom within our organism is always moving towards equilibrium. We just need to tap into this wisdom. The way to tap into it is through acceptance and surrender.

This natural movement could look like this: “I am going to step outside and get a breath of fresh air." As we go outside we do a bit of deep breathing, take a stretch, and drink some cold water. All the while we are acknowledging and embracing our moment-to-moment experience. The anxiety could decrease. We acknowledge and embrace that. It could stay the same. We acknowledge and embrace that. It could increase. We acknowledge and embrace that. Now, out of these conditions there will be a movement towards something else. Possibly taking a walk. Maybe going back into work. We accept and embrace that movement all the while surrendering fully into our emotions and sensations moment to moment.

Now, if we were coming from a place of non-acceptance it might look like this: “I hate this anxiety, this needs to go away. I’m going to go outside and take a breath." While we are outside we are thinking, "Ugh I hate this feeling. This breathing needs to make this feeling go away. Ugh it’s not changing it. I hate this, why me?” All the while our body is tense, bracing against life.

Do you feel the difference in that orientation? Do you feel the constriction? The increased levels of suffering? We are in opposition to what is true, to what is happening right now. Again, when we have aversion to the sheer truth of the moment, to life itself, we suffer.

But how do we accept all of our experience? What does putting the teaching into action actually look like?

The first step of any work is awareness. Without the awareness that we are not-accepting something we can’t do a thing. So first we need to keep a curious eye on our pattern of non-acceptance. We need to learn the intricacies of this pattern. Then, we can catch ourselves in the pattern. When we do, we begin first with accepting that we are in a pattern of non-accepting. We surrender into the emotions and sensations of the moment, taking a deep inhale and on the exhale softening more deeply into our body. Saying something to ourselves as a reminder is a good idea. I usually say something along the lines of, “Let’s try and move in a direction of acceptance.” Then we continually acknowledge the raw truth of the situation, deepening into and embracing whatever comes up moment-to-moment. When we notice more non-acceptance, we repeat the process.

Now – an example of what it looks like:

You have a movie night planned with your partner. You have been looking forward to seeing this film. Before the film, you go out to eat and the meal doesn’t sit right in your stomach. Sitting in the movie theatre you feel a pain in your stomach and a constriction in your chest. You think, “Ugh why does this have to happen, I’ve been looking forward to this night and now I can’t enjoy it. This sucks. I hate this.” There is a constriction and bracing in your body.

With awareness, you notice this pattern occurring. You acknowledge that you are not accepting the moment. You breathe in deeply. As you breathe out you deepen and soften into whatever emotions and sensations are present. You say to yourself, “Let’s try and move towards more acceptance. This is the reality of the present moment situation, I can have aversion to it, or I can accept it." You take another deep breath and on the exhale you soften into your body, you feel the discomfort of your stomach and you surrender into the sensations. You think, “This is uncomfortable, I don’t like this feeling.” You accept that you have these thoughts as you whisper to yourself “acceptance”. With another breath you soften and deepen more into your body, into the full experience of the moment, into the flow of life.

But don’t believe this article just because I say so. Go out and try it for yourself! Investigate the teachings. Get curious about your moment to moment experience as you move in a direction of acceptance.

And whatever the results– I hope you can accept them :)